We made it to one year of marriage, ya’ll! And while I’d love to do a lessons learned post on how to survive and thrive in year one, I’m not sure I have solid answers just yet. But I do have lessons learned on how to navigate single life and find true love, so let’s get to it!

1. Learn About Your Attachment Style

The book I recommend to everyone is called “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it can Help You Find and Keep Love.” Longest. Title. Ever.

Basically 50% of people have secure attachment styles, while 25% have insecure and another 25% have avoidant attachment styles. If you cycle through the same patterns and attract the same types of people, this one is for you.

• • Secure attachment peeps get into healthy long-term relationships early and often. They are a nice match for the other two types, especially insecure.
  • Avoidants and Avoidants don’t often get together because they both run
  • Insecure and insecure isn’t a great combo either – it’s too much for either to deal
  • Insecure and Avoidants tend to activate each other’s biggest fears = no bueno. There are more avoidants in the dating pool for obvious reasons and these two types tend to find each other with mixed results.

2. Get Closure From Past Heartbreaks

It can be difficult to start fresh or have a clean slate perspective on new potentials when you have unresolved feelings or baggage from past situationships. There are ways to navigate through this and come out more whole:

• • Feel your feelings. Repressed heartbreak will eventually rear its ugly head.
  • If someone hurt your heart but you have no idea what the F happened (i.e. they ghosted after 4 months), more likely than not you will find out one day. For now, let go of needing to know why and trust that the issue is within them and has nothing to do with you.
  • If you feel guilty about hurting someone else and it is appropriate to reach out to clear the karmic air, I say do it (after you sleep on it of course). Then take accountability for your actions, express gratitude and wish them well with zero expectations on whether they respond at all or what they’ll say or do.
  • If it is not possible to reach out (a.k.a. they are married, have a child and you haven’t spoken in years) you can find your own closure by writing them a gratitude letter and burning it or do a make believe dialogue to GET IT OUT.
  • Another great tool for all scenarios is a spiritual chord cutting exercise

3. Deal with your internal issues head-on

It can be tempting to distract yourself with volatile romantic relationships or by focusing on someone else’s flaws but you can only control your actions and reactions. Be the change you want to see. Just remember that you are not “broken” and you don’t have to “be fixed” in order to be loved. It’s easy to get carried away with the whole self-help thing, but #everythinginmoderation.

• • Focus on your mental and physical health – sometimes you’ll have to experiment to find modalities or personalities that fit. I tried to heal my IBS and anxiety for myself first and for future relationships.
  • Practice healthy boundaries with non romantic relationships if this is an issue for you
  • Heal important, non-romantic relationships in your life if this is possible

4. Make SPACE in your life and body

Friends with benefits have their place and all that. But I’m a big advocate of making energetic, physical and emotional space for something new to come into your life if you truly want to move forward. Sometimes you have to cut ties with space fillers or end relationships you know deep down are not IT. That being said, try to end things with love, integrity and compassion.

5. Live your best life – don’t wait for a partner to LIVE

It can be empowering and confidence building to do things you thought you needed someone else for, like moving out of your parents house or going on that trip.

• • Even small things like going out to dinner or a movie alone can be a win
  • Or finding ways to make yourself feel sexy in your skin (instead of relying on a partner’s validation) like a pole dancing workshop or boudoir photo-shoot
  • There’s also something to be said about getting to know your own body too 😉
  • You don’t have anyone to answer to, so do whatever fills you up #freedom
  • Practice gratitude and self-care

6. See dating as an experiment to learn & grow from

I put so much pressure on myself whenever I tried a dating app or site (especially paid ones). I wish I had more fun!

• • Curious about dating a certain type of person, even if it’s a little taboo or unexpected? Do it now, while you can! You may be surprised.
  • Tired of boring and awkward coffee dates? Suggest something you genuinely enjoy doing so that if the dynamic is a bust, at least the activity was fun.
  • Maybe get to know someone as a human / friend first, before confusing things with intimacy or romance. Or do the opposite. Change it up!

7. Focus on if you like them, as much as if they like you

Try to remove judgment from the equation or an arbitrary list of traits, but you should definitely be assessing whether this person is tickling your fancy. Instead of obsessing whether you’re meeting their expectations. Check in with your gut and how the other person makes you feel, plus what their actions are telling you. If there are red flags or deal breakers crossed, heed the signs and keep on walking.

8. Manifest Your Desires: Soulmate Edition

There’s something very powerful about admitting to yourself, to God and the universe what your heart wants. It wasn’t until I was very clear that I was ready for my person that circumstances evolved to guide me there in 2016.

• Journal about the qualities you’d like to experience in a partner. This always worked for me and it took a few drafts of the list, to learn what I wanted vs. what I needed. Trial and error folks.
• Visualize the future relationship / dynamic you want with mental images
• Stay loose and unattached, yet open to receiving what you desire

9. Speak Your Truth (Lovingly) & Be Vulnerable

Brene Brown is proving how essential vulnerability is to human connection. How can anyone love you for you if you don’t let them see you? It’s scary as hell, but worth it in the end, I promise.

• • Are you looking for a long-term relationship? Put it out there if asked or even on a dating profile. The right person won’t think you’re desperate or run.
  • Are you dying to ask a personal question but want to keep it light and fun? Go for it (but also be prepared to answer if they ask you in return).
  • Are you seeing behaviour that isn’t okay with you? Call it out and make what you prefer clear, then see how they respond (instead of shrugging it off).
  • Don’t want to get down and dirty? Just say no and/or leave.
  • Are you not that into them, but dancing around the issue? Come clean.
  • Scared of looking less than perfect? Wear minimal or no makeup etc.
  • Want to hide your insecurities, character flaws or emotions? Be seen.

If all else fails, there’s Lizzo and her single anthems

The odds are in your favour that you’ll more than likely find your person. Timing is everything and it may not be when you want or it may catch you by surprise when you least expect it. You may not find it on the first try but it’s hard to escape life without it. In the meantime, dance like no one’s watching and do you, boo.