I suppose I always pictured my journey to motherhood would feel a certain way. It took a herculean effort to excavate my past / fears to even attempt the journey. It wouldn’t have been possible without marrying someone with the capacity to love and take care of me and us.
Vito and I tried our best to get our ducks in a row first, perhaps driven by the regrets and hardships of our parents. To have enough space and a welcoming environment. To have enough money that we wouldn’t argue or stress (at least about that).
I remember approaching my 35th birthday, still in the condo but looking for a house. Settling into a relatively new job while looking for a new one. And attempting a baby because as a dear friend pointed out: “you’re trying to control life and the universe doesn’t work that way.” The timing didn’t feel quite right, but then again, people say it never does.
A Missed Miscarriage in 2021
I didn’t know then that the positive test a week before my 35th birthday would only be a dress rehearsal. Two weeks after that, we bought a house in the suburbs that was $300k over budget and in need of renovation. I had no idea how I would rebirth a home and a baby at the same time and then I no longer had to figure it out.
The only photo captures of that very first time
It was a missed miscarriage – stopping at six weeks but keeping us guessing until week nine. It felt like another hurdle on my journey to trust my body and the timing of my life. I hadn’t told work that I was pregnant because I didn’t want my career to suffer. I tried not to mention the miscarriage either, but it became impossible when I was unavailable after a late-night hospital visit and acting a wee bit emotional. I should have taken time off, but I also wanted the distraction of work.
We didn’t try for the rest of 2021, hands full of reno’s and living with my parents. By December we were exhausted and barely made it to a beach as the 2nd Covid wave roared. I decided to fully commit to my job and try again for a baby in 2022, once the timing felt right and we were settled in our home.
A Chemical Pregnancy in 2022
Of course, that’s when the universe presented a new job that satisfied my ego + security needs, while challenging my personal values. By late February, I had accepted said job (after finally loving my old job) because why would it come to me, if it wasn’t meant for me? We agreed to postpone family planning for six more months, believing that it would set up our future family for success.
Two months in and my hair was fully on fire. The stress from the job negatively impacted our marriage and lead me back into deep therapy work. But by August, we were doing much better and planned a spontaneous trip to Greece, after which time we’d try again. At sunset on the beach, I actually heard the wind whisper, “this will be your last childless trip…” And it brought me to tears.
One day in late October, I stared in disbelief at the positive pregnancy test and the very next day, my period came. Two weeks after that, we finally caught Covid and two weeks after that, I was part of a company layoff in a not-so-great job market.
Knowing that I had prioritized a new job over lovingly expanding our family caused me the most heartbreak. That Christmas, while all the kids excitedly opened their presents, I fully felt the emptiness of our choice. I wouldn’t call it “baby fever,” but it was as close as I was going to get.
Unemployed and Pregnant in 2023
Which brings us to January, when I attended MoonWake Rising’s New Year intention setting and card pulling workshop. She’s always spot on and this time she pulled the fertility and children card. I thought, “Oh Shiiiit – it’s on.” By the end of that month, I had landed on SPARK as a 2023 theme, with the goal of sparking new life, energizing income and my inner spirit (courtesy of Molly Mahar’s holiday council). I wanted the year to feel refreshing, resourced, abundant, trusting and full of grace. After taking time to heal and reflect, I was going to get back on the proverbial horse by February.
Only after Mercury Retrograde did the 2023 vision board come together
We saw a fertility doctor late January, who I ended up loving and started doing the tests (sans benefits). Turns out the least controllable of the goals was the first to manifest on its own and for the first time ever, I did not cry tears of overwhelm at the sight of a positive pregnancy test. I even started to feel excited once we were out of the first trimester woods and found out the gender. It’s all still sinking in…
But looking back, it seems like I could only ever have one: a job or a baby. While I don’t know how I could have showed up to work with the masculine energy seemingly required, I’ve been grieving the loss of a job to return to and a paid maternity leave. I’ve had to accept the limitations of my body + energy, even though I’ve seen past bosses hustle until the very end.
To believe that creating a baby during this time is indeed “enough” and to look for the silver linings. I wish all women could rest and eat according to their body’s cravings, without any added pressure or stress. Perhaps this is why this 3rd pregnancy attempt has sustained thus far (anything can still happen).
I’ve also had to face scarcity wounds of the past, with mounting household financial pressures that could have been avoided to some degree (hello variable mortgage). And yet, I don’t want to pass these scarcity beliefs to our baby, nor do I want baby to experience the impacts of a life force draining job first-hand. Hello rock, meet hard place.
Looking Ahead
While I’ve taken courses, signed up for a paid group coaching program, held soulful networking calls and applied to jobs of interest, there has been little momentum on this slower, intentional search (despite lots of lovely support from working parents). It seems like the universe is not on board this time around and I wonder if it’s meant to be a permanent or temporary redirection? Who knows, but it has forced Vito and I to get very creative about what to do next. And every time I feel little kicks, I imagine us co-creating an even brighter future together.
We’re so excited for what’s to come, while riding with the emotional waves
Life is full of twists and turns and even the happy things can come with trade-offs. While I can’t say I’ve fully enjoyed the first five months of pregnancy, I’m newly determined to count our blessings, TRUST, and believe in the wise words of so many, “things happen for a reason and always have a way of working out.” If you’re struggling with something, I hope these words bring comfort to you too.
All my love,
Vanessa xo
PS Sending lots of love to anyone who is on a fertility journey right now or dealing with issues far greater than what I’ve shared – may the timing and outcomes work out even better than planned.
PPS Here are some resources on abundance I haven’t yet tried: Kate Northup, Christine Hassler’s Master Class, Anna Lozano’s Wealth Frequency and an inspiring podcast on finding one’s calling through loss
