Last night’s Bachelorette finale hit really close to home and made me feel sick actually. It was hard to watch Hannah make a choice that felt so glaringly wrong. It was even harder to watch her decide he was not the one, ONLY AFTER she found out about the Ex-girlfriend and the lies. BUT I understand it…
A few years ago, I found myself in a very similar situation with two very different men. One was an artist with some traits in common with Jed, we’ll call him Ted. The other was very similar to everyone’s favourite good boy Tyler, we’ll call him Skyler.
One day I’ll write a book, but let’s just say the situation was above board. One of the patterns I had lived up until that point was being the supporting character in my life and not the protagonist making active choices. If someone chose me, I’d ignore many red flags to keep the magic alive or avoid being alone.
Why the Passionate Artist Archetype (a.k.a Jed Wyatt) Can Be Hard to Shake
While every person is unique and should not be stereotyped (not all artists are starving, selfish, or emotionally unstable etc.), there were some parallels in the dynamic between Hannah and Jed that I could relate to.
1. Showing all your sides to someone is binding
It is more likely that artists welcome full expression and lead with their emotions (though we didn’t see much of that with monotone Jed). It seems like with both Luke and Jed, Hannah showed “the beast” and had conversations with a full range of emotion, resulting in immediate connections. Luke and Jed made Hannah feel sad, mad, happy etc.
On the other hand, Tyler witnessed her full emotional range and supported her, though he wasn’t the cause of mad or sad or hopeful or elated…Tyler was more stabilizing and just made her feel happy. For someone who isn’t used to letting themselves feel joy or happiness, especially in romantic relationships, this can be the most uncomfortable emotion of them all.
2. Feeling admiration and pride for someone’s artistic vocation
Hannah had stars in her eyes whenever Jed whipped out that cringe worthy guitar. She also called herself a dreamer in one of their chats. On the other hand, Tyler did modelling and construction, while having pursued football, an MBA and a charity (though he was way more undercover about it).
The underlying motivation behind someone’s actions is very important. If someone is seeking external validation, redemption, power etc. whether they are the CEO of a company, an aspiring musician like Jed or a multi-faceted do-gooder like Tyler, that could be a major concern. Check underneath the hood before judging a book by its cover. In this case, Tyler’s motives seem pure and Jed’s do not.
Lastly and in my case, I admired Ted because i wanted to pursue art too. I deluded myself into thinking being exposed to that world through him would be enough or that this exposure would lead to my own artistic pursuit. Be the change you seek instead of living vicariously.
3. Encouragement for our own artistic vocation feels nice
Ted really believed in my artistic talent as a writer more than anyone and I really valued his opinion. He was all about raw emotion and authentic expression so sharing my life story through writing didn’t feel like it would embarrass him. I remember asking both Ted and Skyler what they liked about me and the answers were wildly different and very telling.
Similarly, Jed seemed very encouraging of Hannah’s abilities. He exposed her to new artistic experiences like writing a song together and was encouraging. On the other hand, Tyler valued her soul, her strength and her energy – not just her superficial traits or talents. There’s a difference. And ultimately, we have to find a belief in our own talents, instead of relying on others to fuel it.
There was something blank, vacant and shifty about Jed’s eyes. He was not lit up from the inside out. RUNNNNNNN.
4. It’s HOT when your parents don’t approve (or you know they wouldn’t)
Hannah’s parents were concerned about Jed ‘s ability to support her financially and his late night performing lifestyle. I love how Hannah’s dad called out that Jed gave indirect answers and skirted issues. Also that maybe Jed felt a bit too proud about that dog jingle gig. To quote papa Brown, “but that’s what he said…” For a variety of reasons, my parents were not supportive of my future with Ted, including some “superficial” reasons. I never wanted to feel like I would choose safety or money over true love.
Ultimately rebellion belongs in teenage years at best, but if you’re like Hannah or me, and just starting to make your own choices later in life, going against the grain can be very appealing. In hindsight, (most) parents do know best. I think Romeo and Juliet slayed this one.
5. Passionate chemistry makes things confusing
It seemed like Hannah had off the charts chemistry with Peter, Tyler and Jed. However, at least for fantasy suites, we know she put the brakes on sexy times with Tyler (a great decision). But what about that elated, dreamy look on her face after her overnight with Jed? …
Sexual passion is literally addictive in the brain. It’s ironic that what she feared with Tyler (just a lust, physical connection) was probably what she had with Jed (in his eyes). When Hannah cried about how respectful Tyler was with her in the fantasy suite, I can 100% vouch for that. In this Tinder age of dating, it’s very rare for people to wait for anything (including a latte at Starbucks).
I recommend getting to know someone without the pressure of sex and dating to see if you genuinely like the person and to see them CLEARLY. A man that does not respect your wishes and boundaries does not love you. It’s not you, it’s him. End of story. Now run.
6. Emotional manipulation = guilt = staying
It’s very interesting to see what insecurity does to someone. Jed was so obsessed with Hannah and Luke’s relationship and kept criticizing Luke for being toxic in the house and not good for Hannah. This is what we call PROJECTION, my friends. When someone accuses you of cheating, they are most likely cheating. When someone asks if you’re pregnant (and you just ate a sandwich), they are most likely pregnant. When someone asks if you’ve been eating because you look skinny, they may be feeling insecure and bloated in their own skin.
When someone questions your judgement, question their judgement. Jed told Hannah he was “worried she had a hard time of letting go of things that were not good for her,” referring to Luke P. When he was LITERALLY the thing she was holding onto that she shouldn’t. People and situations like this will make you feel like you are going bat sh*t crazy. In most cases, you are not.
Tyler on the other hand, just focused on him and Hannah. He never brought up the other guys because that was out of his control and not relevant to their connection. He was confident, with a healthy attachment style that shone through the whole season. He knew what he signed up for and tried to empower Hannah to make her own choices with as little guilt from him as possible. It was never about HIM.
Why the Honest to Goodness Man (a.k.a. Tyler Cameron) is Hard to Accept
A lot of these reasons are going to be interrelated so buckle up!
This isn’t his best photo BUT you could literally see his spirit shine through his kind eyes. It’s all about the eyes people!
1. A lack of trust when things are too easy…the other shoe has to drop!
Because my experience up until that point had been a very unsatisfying 10 years of relationships and dating for a variety of reasons, when things worked well and were easy, I felt nervous. I wasn’t used to it. I was used to the other shoe dropping and as far as I could tell, when the shoe inevitably dropped with Skyler, it would hurt real bad.
Hannah acknowledged that things with Tyler were easy. His family loved her, her family loved him, their last date was perfect. His reaction to everything including getting dumped was perfect. She admitted they’d have a great life together and yet, she couldn’t trust it for herself.
2. True love may not have the emotional highs and lows that feel more intensely real
I only dated Ted for 2.5 months and there were heated fights every 2 to 4 weeks. I never cried harder than when I was with him. The emotions were intoxicating and all consuming. I literally left my car on the street outside my building instead of moving it to my underground parking spot because I completely forgot and was rewarded with three bright yellow parking tickets. BAM! Heed the signs, people.
But the above felt like true love. I equated emotional response to love, the way the movies describe it. I didn’t have the high highs and low lows with Skyler, which was confusing. I thought my heart wasn’t as invested. I thought I was picking him from rational mind and not heart / soul. I was wrong. And I believe Hannah fell into this trap too.
3. Your attachment style may be playing tricks on you
The best book I’ve ever read on love and relationships is called “Attached: the new science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.” I got it as a wedding present from my friend Craig who I ironically met on e-Harmony years ago. But I digress!
There are three types of attachment styles: healthy, insecure and avoidant. I have an insecure attachment style, which drew me to men with avoidant attachment styles – the more they pulled away, the more I pursued them to make them commit. Sound familiar?
With Tyler, there was no risk or chase, whereas Jed’s family warned Hannah he wasn’t ready for engagement and he told her he was on the show initially for his career. Oh how we want to be the woman that changes the man for the better (instead of accepting a good one as is).
4. Deep Down You Don’t Believe You Are Deserving of Unconditional Love
This one is a biggie and Hannah overtly confided that she started the season a bit insecure. She’s just learning how to be herself instead of a people-pleaser that lives up to the expectations of other people. I firmly believe you can’t find true love with another person until you are comfortable living life authentically, loving and freeing yourself.
Your ego can try to keep you safe in familiar patterns where it rules the roost by pushing you away from love at times. The more conflicted you are, the more your inner voice(s) are screaming, the more likely this is happening. The person I resisted the most was my one true love.
Hannah Brown has come into her own and I am HERE FOR IT. What a season, what a personal, authentic journey.
Are you making dating choices like Bachelorette Hannah Brown?
On her final date with Jed, Hannah was on a rocky boat in the middle of the ocean in Crete, literally sea sick and she still couldn’t see the signs. She had to see her decision through to the end, to fully get the message. Sometimes the world needs to fall apart in order to reform itself in a way that better serves us. Out with the old patterns, in with the new. On the other side of pain, is joy and all of that. I believe choosing Jed was the best thing that could have ever happened to her.
That being said, I hope Tyler is the one for Hannah and that they get back on track because I truly believe you can’t screw things up with THE ONE. At worst, she knows that Tyler kind of love is out there and I hope she holds out for it. I wish this for all of us.
Ultimately, it took someone like Ted to make me appreciate someone like Skyler. I wasn’t ready for him when we first met. I would have been doubtful and restless and chasing the wrong highs. Skyler is Vito and you can read more about our love story here. Our one year wedding anniversary is just around the corner and I can’t believe how time flies! And also, no regrets.
xo Vanessa
PS I’m always here to give advice if you want to break unfulfilling love / dating patterns
